22 July : My discomfort is growing. I have a continuous discomfort if I seat. So I have to be standing or laying down. Last weekend I was visiting friends at the lake... and was nice. I had to do most of the visiting laying on sofas. By the end of the weekend I was all used up. This far no more blood appeared in my urine. My anus discharges show now more blood clots. My bilirubin must be still very high as my eyes have no more white. I have yellow/blue eyes. I am so weak but I still push myself to do things. I keep myself busy although I do very little every day. On Monday Rick was here with the living room cabinets. It will take a week or so for him to finish. Very promising what I see. Brad was also here to start the final landscape job. The drive way on the East side of the house. He called in a Bobcat to dig the piles for the carport and to break the sidewalk. The late afternoon storm caused a little flood in our basement since the water of the street was collecting in the dug area. These days I don't enjoy much what I see in the mirror... can it really be me ??? I don't recognize what I see in the mirror compared with the way I feel inside. The illness is now so evident but I still feel the same about me. Yesterday I was out to do a little shopping and I noticed that everyone was looking at me like I was an alien... most people would give me a look and then look at me again to make sure of what they had seen... the yellow eyes are not so common after all. My morning weight is 64 1/2 kg.

14 July : Home sweet home, it is so nice to be home again. Yesterday afternoon I was out of the hospital. The bladder bleeding had stopped since Sunday morning and no more clots appeared in the urine yesterday. My urine is pretty yellow due to the very high bilirubin. I am still very yellow in the eye and skin due to liver overload. Monday night Dr. Marciel (Urologist) came to see me in the hospital and confirmed what I had already heard from Dr. Friesen. If the bleeding was stopped then nothing else would be done. We still don't know if the bleeding was due to an infection, or was the colon tumor having broken into the bladder. Either way for now my urine is clear. I will have to rush all the things I have left to do as the future gets more unpredictable by the day. I feel OK. Very low in energy and I get tired very easy. I sleep a lot also in the day but I still manage to do things in between naps. My morning weight is 65 kg.

12 July : Last Saturday I had to be admitted to the Victoria Hospital. In the night Friday/Saturday blood started to appear in my urine. This went on all night and in the morning big blood clots came out. I knew very well something was wrong. I called Dr. Friesen and he suggested to urgently go to the hospital. As you can imagine, I did not want to hear that... Once in the emergency they inserted a special catheter in my penis and started the irrigation process with a solution of sodium chloride. A lot of blood was still coming along with blood clots. I was admitted in level 5 (palliative care) and Eileen stayed with me the all time as my private nurse. I was down and angry. My life is always more hanging on a fine tread... and this episode was a reminder. By Sunday my urine started to have a normal color and only clots of old blood would appear. Some of which would block the catheter and required a flush. I had blood work done and while my red and white count was acceptable, my liver tests are very high. It is enough to look at me to know that. My eyes are pretty yellow as well as my skin. I have a very well visible jaundice (the liver is failing to deal with toxic substances and the skin is becoming yellow). My liver tumors have kept growing since last October at a steady pace. I still have plenty to do and just want to keep my mind on that. I want to see the last screw in place in the house. Eileen this time is sleeping at home at night and I think was the best solution. She needs her rest and she can't achieve that in the hospital. Today I am feeling a little better, my bowel movement is doing great... and as usual I am working away on my laptop in the hospital room. Outside is another very cloudy day... we are not getting much of a summer this year. Hopefully I will see today the urology specialist Dr. Marciel (Prince Albert has only one) and hope to go home soon.

7 July : Days and weeks are going by so quickly. We have been waiting very long for summer this year and still the weather doesn't won't to act as such. Yesterday I had to go and see Dr. Friesen to take my stoma stitches out. They did not work in holding my bowel in and at the same time they were going bad. I don't need more trouble then what I already have. My writing the diary now has changed. I just fully realized that. I no longer can write with the spirit of discovering a way out of this... but more to document my emotions as things are progressing. I spend good part of the day laying down. I even learned to work on the computer from this position and even to use a on screen keyboard so that I don't have to reach for the keyboard. I know that I have a great spirit of adaptation to situations. After the first moment I react and do the best I can within the limits. I don't feel very comfortable sitting down. I am either standing up or lying down and nothing in between. For driving I have to push the back of the seat as down as possible to feel comfortable. When Eileen drives I can push the passenger seat all the way down and feel more comfortable. The seat is down to a point that I can't be see from the window. The house is still in progress... we are so close to the target... and thinking to do a house warming. Eileen is holding on and keeps checking on me for any change. I have been in that position with Cora. How I feel? A part from the discomfort and temporary pains I think I am doing ok. I am very focused in enjoying the moment, the day. I never was a long time planner. I am too busy with the present. A couple of nights ago we went for a nice getting together with friends. I really enjoyed the evening but at the same time I realize that I can't take long visiting. Eileen has worked hard in the garden (her first experience in years) and she created such a beautiful back yard. I enjoy the view from inside and out. I received a bird house for Xmas and it is now hanging on the deck. The nice surprise this week was a couple of wrens making nest in it. These birds are so little but so noisy. Early in the morning I take my laptop and work on the deck with my wireless Net connection and enjoy the sound of the leaves of my lilacs moving in the gentle breeze along with the chirping of the birds. My spirit is calm, after all I feel lucky for all I have done in my life... this is the place I want to be... home. My morning weight is 66 kg.